Quotes

Ricky Bobby

If you ain't first, you're last!
I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence
I wanna go fast!
Help me, Sweet Jesus! Help me Jewish God! Help me Allah! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft to get the fire off me!
God, I want to thank you for my handsome, striking sons: Walker and Texas Ranger- or T.R. as we call him - and for my red hot smokin' wife Carly, who is a stone cold fox.
Help me Oprah Winfrey!
I can't control my heart rate, I've got a cougar on me!
Momma, I'm goin' fast!
I'm Ricky Bobby, and if you don't chew Big Red, then f**k you.
Nope, from now on it's, Magic man...and El Diablo.
This sticker is inconvenient and dangerous, but I do love Fig Newtons.
I sent my application in to The Real World, and I'm pretty much putting all of my eggs in to that basket, the MTV basket .
If my MTV career doesn't work out, I was thinking I'd buy a gun and start selling crack. I would be like a laid back crack dealer, though. Not mean or anything. I'd just be like 'Hey boys, how's it going? Want some crack?
98% of people will die sometime in their lives.
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, sitting in your crib, watching the Baby Einstien developmental videos...
Dear 8 lbs 6 oz newborn baby Jesus in your gold plated diapers and ghost manger...
...and I quote the late great Colonel Sanders "I'm too drunk...to taste this chicken"
Are we going to get it on? Because I gotta tell you, I'm harder than a diamond in an ice storm.
Wow, I feel like I'm in Highlander.
I'm a winner like that Asian guy who eats all the hot dogs, and Rue McLanahan you know from the Golden Girls.
I feel like a badger, stalking it's prey
Well, I got mauled by a cougar, I didn't learn anything about driving, and now my Crystal Gayle shirt is ruined
It states in my contract that I must mention Powerade every time I say grace, so I think Powerade is so good, it cools you off, and we look forward to them coming out with Purple Mystic Mountain Blueberry, Amen
I'm getting dizzy from all the gayness...
Help me Jesus, Help me Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise use your witchcraft to get the fire off me!
Will you be my Katie Couric?

Cal Naughton Jr.

I like to think of Jesus as a mischevious badger.
I like to think of Jesus in a Tuxedo T-Shirt. Because then it's like, I'm formal, but I came to party. That's how I am.
Shake and bake!
Hold on a second Frenchie. You just broke my bro's arm . . . . prepare to be tasered.
What's El Diablo mean?
Don't you go stabbin' yourself with that knife Ricky Bobby!
I like to think of Jesus like a dirty old bum. And he's coming at me, and I'm gunna sock him cause he's a dirty homeless bum and then I think wait a minute... there's something special about this guy. (from outtakes)
After Taking Rickys' Wife Man you just lost your job, just lost your wife, don't lose your best friend too.
We missed you at the wedding. It was great. We had a Styx cover band and a nacho fountain.
Psychosomatic? Does that mean he can start fires with his mind?

Jean Girard

Hakuna Matata, Bitches!
We just want what every couple wants, to retire to Stockholm and design a currency for dogs and cats to use.
By the way Ricky Bobby, I saw the Highlander movie. It was shit!
If you kiss me right now on the lips Ricky Bobby, I will leave and go home to my country.

Others

Walker Bobby: (After Ricky Bobby says grace): Dad, you made that grace your bitch!
Walker Bobby : I'll go apeshit on your ass, Chip!
Carley Bobby: If we wanted wussy kids, we would have named them 'Dr. Quinn' and 'Medicine Woman.'
Reese Bobby: There was a whole rat in my cobb salad.
Announcer at Racetrack: The current driver, Jean Girard, is sitting on the pole, which is only a statement of fact and in no way a comment on his sexual orientation.
Bill Weber: Up next on NBC, ice dancing to the hits of Motown.
Lucius Washington: Now don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! Don't you put that evil on me!
Glenn: Sorry, but being a pit crew is a hard habit to break, like stalking an ex-girlfriend.
Texas Ranger: I'll come at you like a spider monkey!
Reese Bobby: Shut up you little potlicker, or I'll put you in the microwave!
Reese Bobby: If you're not first, you're last!
Walker Bobby: How much you sellin' that weed for old man
I'm jacked up on Mountain Dew!

Dialogue

Ricky Bobby: Nope, from now on it's, Magic man...and El Diablo.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: What's El Diablo mean?
Ricky Bobby: It’s like Spanish for fighting chicken.
Ricky Bobby: Yeah, that's right, I'm the Magic Man. You're just jealous 'cause you didn't think of it first.

Walker Bobby: Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy!
Texas Ranger Bobby: I don't know what it is, but I love it!

Ricky Bobby: It's like Highlander.
Jean Girard: What is that?
Ricky Bobby: It's a movie.
Jean Girard: Any good?
Ricky Bobby: Very good, it won an Academy Award.
Jean Girard: For what?
Ricky Bobby: Best movie ever made.

Reese Bobby: So Can I help ya?
Ricky Bobby: Yeah, but I'm not going to call you dad.
Reese Bobby: Well what you going to call me?
Ricky Bobby: (Later) Alright Professor Dickweed

Cal: When you have the stereo and the t.v. on at the same time, how do you control the volume on the t.v.?
Ricky: Why would you have the stereo and the t.v. on at the same time?
Cal: Because I like to party

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